Food Network Star Audition

Well, after much debating I submitted an audition tape for Food Network Star. As for the debate, here’s the redux:

Me: I’m scared to click this “agree to our terms” box.
D (also me): G’scuse me, do you want a shot at this opportunity or not?
Me: It basically requires me to sign away my URL, trademark and ideas for ever and ever amen.
D: Oh really?
Me: Yes. Really.
D: You’re being defensive.
Me: I’m being protective.
D: Of what?
Me: My ideas.
D: They’re that good?
Me: You’re being rude.
D: You’re being impractical. You just want to keep all your ideas locked away in your brain?
Me: Well, what if I have a great one and Food Network takes it but not me along with the idea?
D: Then you’ll have another idea.
Me: I’ll just have another one?
D: Duh, that’s how it works. Pay out one, get back two.
Me: But how do I know I’ll get two good ones in return for a great idea I give out?
D: Ideas are ideas! They’re all good until they’re bad and they only turn bad if you let them sit in your head and rot. You can’t do everything on your own.
Me: …
D: You know I’m right.
Me: But it’s so risky.
D: Riddle me this…Bigger risk-sharing and losing or never having shared at all?
Me: You stole that.
D: It’s time to jump.

Me: …Game on.

And with that I filled out the 11 page application (ummm, note to Food Network, I already applied to college, thanks). I edited a video out of material from stuff I’ve aired on this site, but, after conferring with a friend and taking a view at some of the past contestants’ audition videos, decided to record something new just for this submission. Dr. Brenda held the camera and captured my inane commentary on babaganoush and I crunched the piece into the three minute time allotment.

And then?
They called me. Yes darlings, the casting office called and asked me a few more questions (I do love a good chat on the phone).

And then?
They called me again. Oooh, a second phone call. Only this one was better. They asked me to come in for an on camera interview and cooking demo. They wanted me to show a quick (3-minutes or less) technique and bring in my signature dish.

For my demo I whipped up my favorite vinaigrette with shallots and whole grain mustard. Show off some knife skills and talk talk talk while I’m cooking. Duh, I have stories about everything I eat. Signature dish? Afternoon cake. When I told Brenda about this he looked at me and said, “Excuse me? You say that like it’s something I’m supposed to know.”

Well it is dammit. Afternoon cake is just what it sounds like, cake you eat between 3pm and 4pm, when you need a little break and a snack (snack time isn’t only for those in school). You have a piece of cake, a cup of coffee/tea, say hello to a neighbor or coworker and then get back to work. Afternoon cake.
*It should be noted that afternoon cake is never frosted. Once a cake is frosted it’s ready for a night out on the town. That’s Evening Cake.

The casting agents suggested I perform a signature dance move to start things off and loosen up (they had no idea what kind of trouble they were asking for), then asked me questions both silly and serious. And then I had a 25-minute written test. I didn’t even have a number-2 with me, so I filled it out with one of my drawing pens.

And now I wait. Food Network Humor, you’ve been alerted. Know that I follow your Food Network Star barbs closer than I follow RuPaul’s Drag Race.

My head is ready to explode with ideas.