New York would be a much less stable city without late-night access to cheap pizza. Everyone here keeps a few dollar-slice outposts stashed in the back of our minds so that on serendipitously stumbling walks home we can stop at one of those islands for the only nourishment that matters after midnight: greasy, cheesy, chewy, doughy, and filling.

And to make the deal even better, that sustenance is cheap. Super cheap. You can fill your belly for a few bucks, laying down a cushion of carbs to soak up whatever it is you chose to celebrate with earlier in the evening. On a single serving basis you get exactly what you want and precisely what you need for not much more than the change weighing down your front pocket.

And better still? Making the pro-hack of buying an entire pie to split between a few buddies on that long walk home. You’ve now dropped the price point to <$1/slice, secured yourself some extra bites, and get to cheer triumphantly at your success.

When you find yourself making a long digital walk home at the end of a creative rush, Vimeo Plus is your dollar-slice saviour. Buy a monthly package and that slice will give you the boost you need to finish your project. And better still? Buy a yearly package for half the price of the monthlies and that whole pie will sustain you through multiple events, deadlines, creative exploits, and heartfelt animations.

If your head is throbbing from staring at the screen and your current project says, “Go home, you’re drunk,” make the smart choice and check out Vimeo+. It’s one solid decision that will keep you from falling into this crowd:

Vimeo+ gives you the tools you need to be a constant creator. Don’t get hung up on file size, resolution, or statistics, this is your no-holds-barred opportunity to make everything you see in your head. Buy the pizza. Try a slice first and if you like it, next time buy the whole pie. Vimeo+ is the support you need to be the artist you are.

There was no place on your application to add my short list of much-loved malapropisms, so I’m adding them here, as a postscript to my sample blog post. I grew up watching reruns of All in the Family with my older siblings and Archie Bunker will forever live in my head as the king of malaprop. My favorites:

“Buy one of them battery operated transvestite radios.”
“Oh great, a menstrual show.”
“In closing, I’d like to say Molotov!”

Dinner, Fall, Recipe, Appetizer

Agrodolce Onions

Paté begs for a tart accompaniment, something pickled, something sour, something crisp. You must offset the rich fattiness of the livers, gizzards, or whatever other organ meats you’ve chosen to press into delicious service atop a piece of toast. A snap of pickled cucumber, a gentle purple curl of cured red onion, a swipe of grainy mustard, these all carry weighty significance in our minds as we polish off a ramekin of potentially artery clogging delights. The vegetables call out, “Another bite!” You obey, after all, it can’t be that unhealthy to finish the pot if you’re eating veggies. You can’t reasonably leave one slice of pickle on the charcuterie board, and if you’re going to nibble the pickle, you might as well use it to pick up that bit of paté waiting at the bottom of the ramekin. And while you’re at it, why not throw the fat covered vegetable on the last remaining crostini? A perfect final bite, crisp, tart, sweet, fatty, and peppery.


I’ve been reading David Lebovitz’s The Sweet Life in Paris and reveling in his storytelling. His view on Parisian life through the eyes of a hungry transplant is both funny and astute. The narrative is spotted with recipes here and there, one of my favorites is Lebovitz’s adaptation/appropriation of Judy Witts Francini’s Agrodolce Onions. A jar of these onions provided the perfect accompaniment to my recent tryst with 3 pounds of chicken livers.

Find the book, laugh in public, cook tonight.

Thoughts, Craft

Hearts and Crafts: Crocker Cards

When I was a boy I collected coffee mugs. And comic books. And trading cards. And seashells, and legos, and coins, and costumes, and when I’m not careful that tendency to hoard invades my adult life and I find myself living with dust covered shame. I knew, as I set out on the Flashdance tour, that I would inadvertently accumulate things along the road. I figured there was no stopping the addiction, but there might be salvation in setting goals.

Instead of eschewing collecting altogether, I gave my greedy brain a purpose: find art for my walls. I’ve spent so many years hopping from apartment to apartment that I’ve become accustomed to blank walls, to clutter as decoration. I vowed to end that rut.

While we performed in Seattle, I spent a number of days eating and wandering Pike Place Market. Much of the art was either not to my liking, or so cheap it exclaimed mass production, but on an inspection of the Market’s lower level, I found a store selling reprints of old advertising posters. I sifted through the pile of food adverts, setting aside those I thought would fit my sensibilities or hopeful color scheme. Just as I had settled on a trio I peaked into the corner of the store and found a collection of unsorted paper junk that was being sold for mere dollars.


Bargain-hound that I am, I set forth flipping through the trash. And then I found gold. A box of Betty Crocker recipe cards from the early ‘70’s, as tacky and tasteless as you might imagine. An odd thing then happened, my new brain kicked in and instead of insisting that I march to the cashier and purchase the entire stack, it suggested that I curate the collection, give it direction and scope.

And so, with a mission in mind, I separated the cards into piles, looking for some ellusive theme. I picked cards with funny titles, “Man Pleasing Appetizers,” “Nutty Nibblers,” but pressed for something more art-worthy. Then, as I laid out my colelction of silly recipes, I saw it. The revolting food styling of the collection oftentimes made for photos that were nearly monochromatic. A strawberry cobbler against a red background, a bowl of snap peas on a green placemat. It was perfect. My fingers flew, flipping the cards, hunting for colors.


I would frame them and spread the colors of the rainbow on my dining wall. From afar, it would be a color piece, up close a hysterical look at how far we’ve come in the kitchen. Once home I wanted to frame the cards individually (far too expensive for such a kitschy collection), but went to Ikea in search of some more affordable plan.

I found a large frame, the Norrlida, perfect for mounting the cards in long lines. I bought four, scrambled home to find some photo-corners and set to work. A little bit of math made straight lines and good spacing, and now the placards to bad cooking hang over my dinner table. Thank you, dear brain, for sticking to the plan these past 6 months and coming home with art, not clutter.

Starting out in a new apartment? Living on a budget? Art doesn’t have to come from galleries, frame things you like, find magazine images, newspaper clippings with meaning. A cheap frame elevates even the slightest scrap. Curate your walls!


Hearts and Crafts

Years ago, presciently predicting my taste in pop art, my parents bought me a set of four Keith Haring coffee table books. Small though they may be, they were packed with pages of his art, and festooned with words from his journals and poetry. I loved them. Once.

I’ve never really understood the appeal of coffee table books. You can look at them once, but then the jig is up. You know the interior. And how often are you sitting on your couch with nothing to do? If they’re for the benefit of your guests, I’ll capitulate a little, but as a gift to a young man, it was a confusing collection. I had no guests, nor significant coffee table to display the books when I received them. So they sat on the blue bookshelf of my boyhood bedroom, spines fading in the sun.

Until now. As I set up my apartment and *gasp* decorate the walls, I thought of those books. I asked my mother to send them, and when they arrived I made the difficult decision to destroy them. Taking a knife to the printed page of any book feels blasphemous, let alone to the art of an idol. But to create anew I had to destroy. The beloved pages were seen by no one kept intact. So I sliced out two of my favorite prints and set forth framing them.

To remove the sheen of the published book, I first varnished the pages with some matt medium, easy to find at any art supply store. The varnishing reduced the glare and added a nice bit of texture from the brush strokes. Once dry and slightly plasticized, I popped open two cheap frames from Ikea and set the art inside.

The two pieces now welcome me as I open my front door, a perfect use for old art. Have any books laying around that you’d rather see daily? Cut out a few pages, varnish them, and frame them. Though the first cut is painful, you’ll love the sight of that sentimental ink on your wall.

Dessert, Holiday, Recipe

Chocolate Sorbet

There are only two things that can lower my body temperature in NYC’s violent sweat season: seltzer and ice cream. With every empty bottle of the bubbling salvation I’m getting closer to buying a Soda Stream. I hate the waste of so much empty plastic, I just need to commit to the machine and find a space for it in my evolving kitchen.

But this post isn’t about seltzer. That would be boring.

It’s about David Lebovitz’s chocolate sorbet. Deemed a genius recipe by the fine folks at Food52, I’ve been dreaming of a batch since the weather lost its edge in March. Though I toured with an induction burner (albeit, briefly), an ice cream machine was out of the question. Traveling with Flashdance made me pare down my necessities in a way that we could all benefit from now and again. Now that I’m back in nesting mode, the ice cream machine that couldn’t explore the country with me is getting all the love it’s missed.

First up, this fine sorbet. Dairy free, gluten free, and quick, this is the dessert I’ll be making for myself until the Fall leaves come calling and I can turn on the oven again. It’s rich and deep, velvety and cold. It melts not into cream, but into rivers of iced chocolate.

I can’t claim any improvements or substitutions to the recipe, it’s perfect just as written. The recipe uses cocoa powder and melted chocolate to achieve the exquisite texture and while any cocoa powder will do, but the good stuff is worth finding. My favorite? This Black Onyx Cocoa Powder from Savory Spice Shop. They’re good folks, selling well-sourced spices and proprietary blends for anything you might want to cook.  Go forth! Churn tonight!


Back in the saddle...

I could sit here and type lamentations to my online absence, but that’s a waste of space. I don’t want to apologize and you don’t want to read drivel. Let’s fast forward to the fun part.

I’m moving back into my apartment! Truth be told, I moved in just over a year ago, but after 8 months out of town with various shows I’ve barely decorated at all. It’s time to get crafty and put my stamp on this homestead. First on my list is an update to the oh-so-average ceiling fan hanging in my dining/living room.


I had a simple frosted globe covering the bare bulb, utterly characterless. The cheap solution? A canning jar. I tried a few sizes, wide mouth and narrow (I’ve got experience with all sorts of mouths), and settled on a .5 Liter Quattro Stagioni jar with a 70 millimeter lid. I’m sure Ball makes a jar that fits, but I like the patterning on the Quattro jars. It mottles the light just enough to make a semi-bare bulb tolerable. Loosen the pins holding the globe in place, remove the globe, hold the jar over the bulb and screw the pins back in tightly. Done.

Oh, the relief that comes from scratching an item off my To-Do list! But like the dreaded Hydra, slice off one head and two more spring up in its place. Time to hang art on the walls and use this ice cream maker I’ve got chilling in the freezer. A cold bowl of sweet cream may be the only way to combat NYC’s summer sweat plague.

I’m dripping.


The New Orleans liver crash


Our time in Tampa whizzed by too quickly. The sun graces us with heat and a squinting smile every day and we returned the favor with exposed limbs and excessive lounging at the pool. I had not a single remarkable meal in that fair city, but left with sweaty memories of an evening spent spiraling down the rabbit-hole that is Ybor City.


Ybor is the old Cuban part of town, if you’re unfamiliar, take a stroll. It’s charming, filled with shops, and a bit touristy. On a day-trip to find a woven straw hat (success!) a castmate and I noted all the clubs lined up along the strip. We vowed to come back after a show, we needed to dance.

Our adventure began at a cat-themed, thumping, industrial club, whose clientele were mostly under 21 and dressed like tramps. We wore wrist bands demarcating our age, flashing them like neon scars to scare off the jittery youth.

We left that silly club within the hour and fled a few blocks north to a partially hidden stone building called Castle. What awaited us within we could never have guessed. Larry and I approached the door, paid our paltry $5 entrance fee (NYC, take heed), then ascended paisley patterned stairs surrounded by chess-board wall paper. When we crested the staircase, we stood at the mouth of a glowing dance floor, lit partially by three overhead screens looping a sepia-toned silent horror film.


The dance floor was filled with grown-up versions of high school archetypes: The greasy haired boys in wide-legged jeans, the pale girls in corsetry, costumes and makeup; alter-egos flaring. Castle is a goth-club, and if you ever pass through Tampa you’d be a fool to skip it. The night was as baffling as it was exhilarating, the DJ spinning Korn, John Maus, Depeche Mode and The Cure.

Tampa, thank you for the dance.




New Orleans, you’re a wicked mistress.

I was nervous about my week in New Orleans. Before I arrived I had amassed a list of restaurant suggestions so lengthy I’d need a month to accomplish such eating. Nevermind, I set my eyes on the map and planned out my 7-day descent into gluttony. Upon landing I was immediately whisked away from my hotel by my dear friend Caroline to a standby in the French Quarter, Felix’s, where I ate 6 raw oysters and a bowl of gumbo. To be honest, the platter of chipped ice presented half a dozen bloated, utterly flavorless oysters and the gumbo was so aggressively salted it could only have been served to a tourist, but it was an authentic New Orleans experience and needed to be checked off the list.

Caroline was determined to give me an insider’s look at New Orleans so she drove me to a club, Mimi’s in the Marigny, which has a bouncing second floor on Monday and Wednesday nights. We ascended stairs to the sounds of classic French guitar jazz, muted nylon strings, an upright bass, a singer in a tight pencil skirt at a microphone tuned through ancient equipment to send sound waves from another generation over the dance floor. Caroline is an excellent swing dancer and she pulled me into the most charming world I’ve visited in ages. Everyone was bouncing, many of the couples were moving with such carefree precision it was impossible to look away. Caroline insisted that we dance together, and, while swing is not my forte, we had a wonderful time.

The next few days found me repeatedly at Lüke’s happy hour (50-cent oysters), a fine bistro in John Besh’s empire. To accompany my oysters, one night I ordered a braised pork shank with choucroute and another night hoarded a jar of rabbit and chicken liver pate to myself while the table watched in awe of my spoon-filled obsession. All of Besh’s places have fantastic mid-afternoon specials, hit the bar between 3-6 if you can.

 I ate pork cheeks and wood fired oysters at Cochon (determined to ingest the delicate sea creature in every form possible) and had my most memorable meals at Maurepas. Maurepas prides itself on locally sourced everything and it shows. My first night there I dipped my toe in the ocean of their delights, some roasted beets, bubbling brussels, an arugula salad with chicken skin and grilled flounder. On my second trip I took three compatriots, less for their company than their stomachs. With extra bodies in tow, I could feel no shame in ordering nearly the entire menu for sampling. 

We began with their cocktails, concoctions so foreign I had to survey their anatomy twice. Rye, caraway, lime and house-made bitters in one. Cachaca, Arrak, curry and lime in another. We sipped and passed, too eager to try each flavor to care about cooties. With the support of the table we ordered the beets, a roasted carrot salad, braised collards, grilled broccoli, and grits whose texture approached the mouthfeel of a marshmallow. We were stunned. 

As our entrees arrived we were delighted to find the bar makes their own ginger beer. A round was ordered for the table and as the sparkling glasses arrived our eyebrows lifted in mutual astonishment. A sip took me straight to the root, to the rhizome, of the drink. It tasted of such fresh ginger we could not stop our eyes from widening with every drink.  

When we had finished the meal I looked around the table to find a sea of clean plates. The white square dish that once held our beets was smeared in their blood and flecked with the bright green oil of a fresh parsley dressing. It was, perhaps, the prettiest massacre I’ve ever seen.

My heartfelt thanks go to the staff of Maurepas who treated us like family every time we walked in the door. Should you find yourself in New Orleans, make a point of eating there (at least once). My wallet is significantly thinned after this week of gluttony, but my tastebuds will repay the debt threefold for what I’ve tasted in New Orleans. Next up: two weeks in Ft. Lauderdale on the beach, a perfectly cucumbersome way to detox.

I’ll let A.J. Liebling finish this post for me, his sentiments ring true decades later:

“If the first requisite for writing well about food is a good appetite, the second is to put in your apprenticeship as a feeder when you have enough money to pay the check but not enough to produce indifference of the total.”


Too true.


The Atlanta-Baltimore Wormhole

The day I’ve dreaded since the beginning of this tour has finally arrived: I forgot my home address. I was filling out some paperwork for the show and when it came time to write down my zip code I looked in every dark corner of my mind only to find cobwebs and cakecrumbs. This life on the road has finally caught up with me and left me neatly unhinged from reality. I had to google my apartment to figure out the final bit of my address, in time I suppose I might forget all of it at once!

From injurious Wilmington we took flight to Atlanta, looking forward to warm(er) weather and a new theatre. We played the Fox and stayed directly across the street at the charming Georgian Terrace. When we checked into our rooms we were all blissed to find full kitchens (with dishwashers natch) and, tucked behind accordion doors in the bathroom, our own washer and dryer! My excitement at these luxuries paints me as a true homebody, and though we were destined to leave Atlanta at week’s end, I intended to make every use of those machines.

I’m beginning to find routine in my travels, the first task that needs attention upon landing is grocery shopping. In Atlanta we walked to the local Publix and fetched goods for the week. With a full stove and oven at my disposal I aimed for the moon and bought chicken thighs, oxtail, black beans, red wine, herbs, broccoli (to be roasted), collards (to be braised), and eggs for my breakfasts. Back at the hotel I strapped my apron to my waist (yes, I am traveling with my favorite apron) and simmered the chicken thighs in garlic, onions, black beans and chili paste. A home-cooked meal was precisely what my lagging spirit needed, I invited a castmate over for dinner and we refueled.

The Fox theatre in Atlanta is gorgeous, the lobby and house are dressed in a North African theme, tents and geometric patterns, hanging lanterns and a domed ceiling painted deep blue with twinkling stars puncturing its breadth over the audience. The house seats nearly 5,000 and we had hearty crowds each night. Unfortunately, as in Wilmington, we had no backstage space and had to run down a flight of stairs to cross underneath the stage, only to climb another flight on the other side to re-emerge on stage right. It was our most challenging space yet, I was running laps, shedding costumes as quickly as possible, and still barely making it onstage for some scenes. I was not sad to bid adieu to the Fox.

From Atlanta we flew Northeast to Baltimore and were warned upon landing, “Please do not walk to or from the theatre alone.” Baltimore has gained certain cultural cache since The Wire was on the air, and indeed, parts of the city resemble that show too closely. We played the Hippodrome in Baltimore, and were once again granted the luxury of backstage space! After two weeks of insanity underneath the stage, we breathed into the show and felt relaxed and comfortable in our performances again.

Lessons from the road thus far:
Chicken Marsala exists only in hotel restaurants. It has been forgotten, by and large, in modern cuisine, but rest assured, it is being prepared with an indelicate hand across the country in generic dining rooms on the ground floor of nearly every hotel. Do not order it. Simply marvel at its farmed life in captivity. It has absolutely died out in the wild, good luck spotting it on any menu in a large metropolitan city, but these hotel dining rooms act as zoos for forgotten foods. They’re raising old dishes in captivity, awaiting the day when they’re strong enough to be re-introduced into the wild, back to the public. Don’t hold your breath.

We live in a wormhole, touring for 6 months. Every week starts over again, we perform the same show, with the same costumes, with the same people, but in front of a different audience, in a different city, and sleep in a different hotel. Every Publix has the exact same layout. Walk into one in Atlanta to find the bakery on your left, and you’ll find the same bakery on your left in Tampa. It makes one feel insignificant, that we’re traveling outside the confines of the universe and for the next 6 months we’ll leave neither fingerprint or foot trail. For all intents and purposes, we do not exist, we are operating outside the laws of reality.

I’m happy to be a traveling artist, this life is connected in some grand way to the vagabond theatre troupes of earlier centuries. We move from city to city, telling our story, awaiting applause, ending the night at a bar or tavern or pub, reveling in each other’s boisterous company. Locals are excited to meet us, hotels are thrilled with our conspicuous consumption, we are happy to be employed as professional story tellers. This week we settle into the sunny coast of Tampa, FL and then onto New Orleans. The cycle starts again tonight, cheers to my 7-day life.

From the road,


What a feelin’

Like most actors, I make a habit of attending open calls. It’s dreadfully unpleasant, but in truth, these packed rooms full of insanity are our version of a batting cage. Rarely does anyone book a job from a cattle call, but to skip them is a mistake. I always like to say that my job is auditioning, booking a show is the bonus. Open calls are the best place to sharpen your skills, they also (coincidentally) can make you lose your mind.

Imagine: a room full of actors, some in the union, some not, waiting for hours to sing a 45-second blip. The women, more often than not, carry with them enough gear to take a small vacation. As you look around the room you’ll see oversized Poppins bags, rolling luggage, backpacks and other purses. These are the suitcases of dreams. Inside? Heels, flats, tap shoes, jazz shoes, dresses, skirts, tops, makeup for a circus and enough curling irons to twist the world once over.

Is the equipment necessary? Do they ever unpack those dreams? Are the cases left packed, waiting patiently by their front doors for the next (inevitable) open call?

I’ll never know, it’s much easier being a boy.

In September I zipped by the Flashdance open call, my agent hadn’t been able to secure me an appointment (that’s the other kind of audition, a much more pleasant experience). I assumed the room would be filled to the brim with women in legwarmers and men in, well, men wear the same thing to every audition. So I expected women in legwarmers and men in jeans and a button down shirt.

I was pleasantly surprised to find the room nearly empty (though I also had a moment of panic that I was in the wrong place). I put my name on the list and was seen not ten minutes later. I joked with the casting director that she had a slow day ahead of her, then sang my requisite 45 seconds, smiled and left. As with most open calls, I assumed the show was already cast (this is too often the unfortunate truth) and went on my merry way.

The next day my agent called with an appointment. The casting director at the open call had indeed spotted me during batting practice and wanted to see me hit in a real game. Over the next 2 months I auditioned a number of times for the creative team, reading for a number of different characters and singing whatever pop ballad they threw my way.

I waited impatiently after the last audition, nagging my agents for information (they with none returned). Weeks later my agent called to tell me they had made an offer, but that she thought it was unwise to accept. Excuse me? Turn down work? Paying theatre work? Yes. The offer was to be an offstage swing (that’s why they had me read so many parts) and she wanted me to be onstage every night. She told the casting office as much and they said they were hoping to find an understudy position for me, but wanted to run the swing position my way first.

(Sidenote: Understudies are generally in the show every night, they are in the ensemble and cover another track. They’re bumped up if someone is sick. Swings are off-stage every night. They aren’t in the ensemble and they are the first to go in if someone is sick or injured. My agent didn’t want me to be a swing, she correctly predicted that I’d go insane traveling with a show, not performing and waiting for someone to get hurt.)

Again, weeks passed as I chipped away at my fingernails and called my agents all-too-frequently. I wanted to know what was happening with this potential offer, I have no patience. I went into panic mode, assuming that rejecitng the first offer was a terrible idea and I had made a rather large mistake. I emailed my agents to tell them I felt as much, they said to hang on.

And not 24 hours later they forwarded an email to me from the casting office requesting my presence at one more audition. The creative team was still trying to find a place for me in the show and wanted to remind themselves of my voice and reading. I went back in, and the following week I had another offer.

The news: I’m playing Andy, a featured steelworker (and a number of other colorful background characters) in the first national tour of Flashdance the Musical. Yes, this is the stage version of the movie that brought you Maniac, Manhunt, Flashdance, Gloria and I Love Rock ‘n Roll. We’re touring America for 6 months and if I’m coming to a city near you, I’d love to have you in the audience. The tour schedule is below, find me on the road!

We’re tumbling.

Here’s the official site.



Jan 1 – 6, 2013

Pittsburgh, PA

Heinz Hall

Jan 8 – 13, 2013

St. Louis, MO

Peabody Opera House

Jan 15 – 20, 2013

Louisville, KY

Kentucky Center

Jan 22 – 27, 2013

Grand Rapids, MI

DeVos Performance Hall

Jan 29 – Feb 3, 2013

Wilmington, DE

DuPont Theatre

Feb 5 – 10, 2013

Atlanta, GA

Fox Theatre

Feb 12 – 17, 2013

Baltimore, MD

Hippodrome Theatre

Feb 19 – 24, 2013

Tampa, FL

Straz Center for the Performing Arts

Feb 26 – Mar 3, 2013

New Orleans, LA

Mahalia Jackson Theater

Mar 5 – 17, 2013

Fort Lauderdale, FL

Broward Center

Mar 19 – 24, 2013

Nashville, TN

Tennessee Performing Arts Center

Apr 2 – 7, 2013

Minneapolis, MN


Apr 11 – 14, 2013

Spokane, WA

INB Performing Arts Center

Apr 16 – 21, 2013

Seattle, WA

The Paramount Theatre

Apr 23 – 28, 2013

Portland, OR

Keller Auditorium

Apr 30 – May 5, 2013

Tempe, AZ

ASU Gammage

May 7 – 19, 2013

Costa Mesa, CA

Segerstrom Center for the Arts

Jun 4 – 15, 2013

Houston, TX

Hobby Center

Jun 18 – 23, 2013

San Antonio, TX

The Majestic Theatre

Jun 25 – Jul 7, 2013

Dallas, TX

Music Hall


Public Cupid

Darling friends and acquaintances,

Join me in a social experiment?

I’ve been terribly bored with internet dating for some time now. It’s such a dreary proposition: write something glib and self-aware, agonize over/upload pictures, flip through profiles of people in your neighborhood, then send messages into the void. I don’t enjoy looking at profiles, I’m too judgemental for my own good, and no matter how many people I send messages to, the outcome is the same: rarely engaging responses amidst a sea of mono-syllabic “Hey”s.

When I complained about this problem to a friend in New Mexico he echoed my despair. Neither of us have had much success at finding dates online. We were sick of the format, it felt like buying a stack of lottery tickets, knowing the odds are impossibly low but hoping the next one might match.

We joked that it would be more fun to search for dates for each other than for ourselves.

We traded login information and started the search.

Turns out it’s much more fun to set up a friend than it is to look for digital love on your own.

Of course, once the trade was discussed my head kept spinning. What if I passed out my login info to all of my friends? What if I made my profile, so challenging to fill out on my own, a veritable Wikipedia entry of testimonials and pictures from friends? What if my digital dating persona was curated not by me, but by my community? What if our friends are better at describing our personalities than we are?

And so I did it.
I cleared my OkCupid profile (except for a slight disclaimer at the top, warning perusers that the writing is publicly generated), and am publishing my login info right here:
Username: DK27
Password: publiccupid

I’ve left some pictures, most are terrible. Perhaps you have better pictures of me? Do we look adorable together at some event? Go ahead and upload it, this isn’t a joke. The answers to all OkCupid bio questions are blank, fill them in as you see fit.

Some ground rules:

  • No changing the password or login info, that locks everyone out and ruins the experiment.
  • If you decide to message someone, bravo! Feel free to log back in to follow up on that message. If you don’t, I will.
  • Write anything you want, edit what other people have written, click through profiles and have fun.
  • The only text that must remain in the profile is the disclaimer at the top: Much like Wikipedia, this is a publicly curated profile. All answers have been provided by a community, some close, some far (both in miles and mindset). Tread with caution.

I have no idea if this will go anywhere, but it would be delightful to go on a few dates selected by my community. Be bold! Be brave! Type away!

(I expect you all to behave with a modicum of decency, though not too much. Never too much.)



More thoughts on chicken…

Y’all this is part two of an ongoing discussion. For part one, click here.

I posted this originally in the comment section of my first post, but as you can see, it’s far too long to be a comment. It’s in response to Jamie McGonnigal’s comment.


Hi Jamie-

Thanks for responding, it’s great to keep the dialogue open. 

I hear you and respect the frustration and fear you feel when someone in your community does something to tell you “there’s something wrong with you.” I said this in my last post and I’ll say it again, I don’t think Bailey posted that photo to intentionally support an anti-equality platform. She is unworldly and frequently doesn’t know what’s happening around her on a large scale. Again: Ignorance is never an excuse, but it is frequently an explanation. Because I have the privilege of knowing Bailey on a personal level (a privilege that many of her digital detractors do not hold), I’m happy to give her the benefit of the doubt and progress on a platform of education. If I didn’t know Bailey as a friend would I act in the same way? I don’t know. Vitriol never seems to solve problems for me (even more so online) and I imagine that if her photo upset me I would have written a post not dissimilar to yours.

I hold divisively strong opinions on food. I am judgmental and frequently condescending in my ideals. These attitudes inform my friendships, often cutting off a relationship before it has a chance to blossom. I recognize my behavior and understand the consequences on a social level. But when I enter the workplace, these personal attitudes don’t come to the surface. They may ruin a friendship, but I’ll never hold them over a colleague during rehearsal or performance. Now, I know that likening food politics to gay rights can seem like a comparison between a hamster and a horse, but my point is this: Bailey may or may not hold beliefs that are offensive to both you and me, but when it comes to the work, she never once treated me any differently than another cast member. Though I believe Bailey doesn’t think any less of me because of my orientation, if she does, that’s her prerogative. She showed up to work every day and did her job without her personal beliefs in the way.

I can’t and don’t expect everyone I work with professionally to hold the same values and opinions as me. In this instance, I met Bailey and had the pleasure of working with her before I saw the picture. My relationship with Bailey informed my reaction to her Facebook post. The opposite holds true for most people condemning her: They saw Bailey’s Facebook post, and their reaction to that post informed their relationship (digitally and/or professionally) with her. 

Here’s the catch: I have the privilege of knowing her. If I witnessed the photo post before I started rehearsal with her would I walk in with assumptions about her character? Yep, I’m not above that. But would I let my assumptions get in the way of my work? Would I treat her with less respect than my other cast mates because of something I saw her post online? That would be unprofessional. It doesn’t seem fair to judge a colleague on his or her outside-of-the-workplace beliefs. On the other hand, if I saw that picture first and assumed Bailey to be rampantly homophobic would I let it get in the way of a potential friendship? Probably, and that would be my myopic loss in this case.

You claim the privilege of not having control over how your post is interpreted and multiplied online, a privilege and responsibility we all have to own in the digital age. And it’s a privilege I give to Bailey as well. I believe she really didn’t think that picture was anything other than a shot of her soon-to-be-consumed meal. In light of current events, her picture was multiplied and interpreted quite easily as a homophobic attack. Is it her privilege to post her meal online and leave it open to interpretation? Yep, just like your post and my post. Is it also her responsibility to acknowledge the picture and its negative interpretations. Absolutely. 

And she did respond. When contacted, Bailey said “I’m a proud Christian.” And again, this was taken to mean astoundingly different things by many opposing parties. You said her use of those words exacerbated the problem. I will say this: our personal interpretations of her use of those words exacerbated the problem. When religion and politics meet we have to acknowledge not only the words being used, but our own unique ways of hearing those words. God, Christian, Gay, Rights, Proud- these are all charged words. They have stark meanings to both speakers and listeners. I believe what Bailey meant and what was heard are incompatible. 

I appreciate that you expressed your disappointment in Bailey via twitter after seeing her post. And she actually said more than simply “I’m a proud Christian.” She wrote: “on my behalf being a Christian doesn’t mean I hate gays! That’s crazy I love them and ask anyone I’ve worked w. I understand…). But by the time you got to your second question via twitter and your original post (“Do u know Chickfila gives millions to anti-gay groups who fight to have gays put to death? Doesn’t sound Christian to me”), she was already buried under negative (and violent and nasty) comments on every wing of her digital persona. I understand why she locked her twitter account.

I would like Bailey and many of my coworkers to be better informed of the world’s issues. But they aren’t. And, egotistically, I would like to believe that the issues that matter most to me are of equal importance to the rest of the country. But they aren’t. If Bailey were more eloquent she might have used different words to defend her actions, she might have been effusive in her response. But Bailey isn’t a scholar, and it’s unfair of me to expect her to write or speak in that manner. She, and many people who hold disparate opinions from me, effectively speak another language. I don’t expect her to speak mine, though with the privilege of education, I think I can understand hers.

When I talk to Bailey in her language, a language rife with references to God and Religion, I don’t hear hate. I hear a practiced vocabulary, words that have been taught to her by people who may have used them for hate in the past, but words that are meant genuinely and honestly as an expression of Bailey’s love and apology. We all speak as we were educated, be that by our parents, our schools or our religions, and we all use our learned vocabularies to express our innermost thoughts. Though you use the same phrases as your parents, you surely mean them in your own way. For Bailey, though she chooses words that my queer community is poised to interpret as slanderous and inflammatory, she speaks as she can, with the education she has, and uses those words to convey her support and levy her defense. 

Everything I’ve written comes down to one thing: I know Bailey personally and many people commenting on her actions do not. Would I behave differently if I didn’t know her? Possibly. But after working with Bailey I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and help her self-educate because I believe her to be a good person. I understand the online reaction, and I’m happy that we’re all discussing the issues. Life in the digital is exponentially emotional, we lose control of our words the instant we hit publish or send.







  1. TonopahAugust 13, 2012 at 5:46 pm Edit #

    I applaud your dedication to carrying on a dialogue about the situation. It is so easy to point fingers and get all riled up, often the meanings of everyone’s words are lost. The only way we grow as a community is to have conversations, to listen, to actively attempt to understand the other person’s perspective. People don’t hold bigoted beliefs because they are evil, but because they believe they have found what is good and just. (and while I passionately stand for human rights for all people everywhere regardless of sex, sexual orientation, culture, or skin color it doesn’t mean that I have the lock down on the good and just or have never done something which retrospectively has made me feel ashamed). At the heart of all human rights movements is the need for dialogue, it is hard to maintain, and difficult not to become hateful or angry (especially with the ambiguity of the internet) when someone does not see things the way you do. But in the words of Montaigne, “only a fool is certain and immovable” and it is the job of rights advocates everywhere to help them find the space to move.


    • Dan KohlerAugust 14, 2012 at 7:52 pm Edit #

      Tango, you say it so well. It is our responsibility as rights advocates to help people find space to expand their knowledge and see a new perspective. Thanks for your thoughts!


  2. Jamie McGonnigalAugust 13, 2012 at 6:22 pm Edit #

    Wow. That was beautifully put and I agree with everything you’ve stated here.

    You are clearly a bigger person than most if you can so easily dismiss the actions and opinions of others the moment you step in the workplace. Especially in a field where you do well by baring your soul. It’s simply not the same as walking into an office, sitting in your cubicle all day and potentially never even speaking to those you work next to. As you know, working in theatre means you are (sometimes quite literally) exposed and at your most vulnerable in that space. Most I would venture to say, require more than a little professional trust there. So the question I raised in the title of my first piece “What happens when a Broadway star supports Chick-fil-A?,” was intended perhaps for a smaller audience of my theatrical comrades.I think it’s an excellent conversation to be had in this digital age and perhaps that’s where current theatrical professionals can take it.

    I hate that people have been so vile towards her – and mind you, I’ve received more than a few hate messages myself over it. This is not where I had hoped the conversation would go and in many instances – most instances, the dialogue has been constructive. I have also noticed that for some reason – and being a food person, maybe you’ll have an opinion on this – the Chick-fil-A thing has engaged people in a way few topics have in recent memory. I’m not sure if it was just a tipping point or that people actually feel that strongly about chicken sandwiches. Either way, as a new media professional, I find it fascinating.

    Thanks very much for your words and your inside opinion on Bailey. I think you’re probably quite accurate regarding where she is coming from. And I appreciate your desire to want to educate her. I do find at times that it is extraordinarily challenging to change someone’s mind about a thing when they have a lifetime of misinformation (disguised as “loving truth”) drummed into their ears. It can sometimes be a bit like teaching a pig to play harmonica – all it does is waste your time and annoy the pig.

    And thank you for the considerate, intelligent dialogue. It seems to be frustratingly absent from most regarding equality, religion and/or Chick-fil-A.


    • Dan KohlerAugust 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm Edit #

      Thanks Jamie, I appreciate your comments. It’s definitely interesting to see how our posts take on new lives after we hit “send,” isn’t it? I don’t doubt that you’ve received some of the same foul-mouthed commentary that Bailey caught. It always boggles me that in the face of assumed bigotry people respond with egregious hatred. What does that solve? I understand the impetus, specifically being a member of a minority, but we’ve got to step back from our own initial reactions sometimes to see a clearer path forward.

      The Chik-fil-A event rode a massively popular wave on social media, you’re absolutely correct. Though it may be a marker of a tipping point in our collective consciousness, I’m willing to say that it is also an outcome of our need for pop-news. The KONY 2012 piece, the endless political posturing, the Chik-fil-A statement, it seems our interests in advocacy-based news is growing, though our attention span is shortening. I wonder how long any of these issues will capture our brain time in the future.

      Thanks for continuing this dialogue, it’s been eye-opening for me and I respect the honesty with which you write.



Bailey Hanks is more than a chicken sandwich


I have to toss my hat in the ring on this Bailey Hanks feeding frenzy. I just returned from a seven-week stint in Birmingham, Alabama playing Emmett to her sparkling Elle and Bailey Hanks is charming and sweet, just as I expected her to be.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I fully support a strong fight for equality and have been quite vocal in that charge. It upsets me that the  president of Chik-fil-A donates significant funds to organizations that work hard to keep me less-than-equal in the United States. Seeing so many people turn out to glibly support a company’s thinly veiled PR campaign (“Chik-fil-A Appreciation Day”) turned my stomach. And yes, Bailey Hanks did tweet a photo of her meal on that day.

Which brings us to the crux of the issue: Bailey Hanks is not mean spirited nor is she outwardly hateful to the gays in her life. Neither is she terribly worldly nor strikingly politically active. I can’t expect everyone in my life to agree with my opinions, but I do expect my colleagues to treat me with respect in the workplace. And whether or not Bailey believes me to be living in sin, she was kind and generous in the theatre, treating me like anyone else in the cast regardless of sexual orientation.

And I don’t presume her to be duplicitous in the least. But even if she is being two-faced, I can hardly hold that against her. To quote my dear RuPaul, “What other people think of me is none of my damn business.” Now, what other people say and do to me are entirely my business, and by those standards Bailey is a friend.

I honestly believe that Bailey Hanks posted that photo of her meal because she loves those damn chicken sandwiches SO MUCH. Typing the caption for her Instagram, I can’t imagine her thinking, “Hahahaha, fuck you GayMerica! I’ll eat this sandwich and trample on your rights.” Is inadvertent support for inequality still offensive? Absolutely. Do I think her action stems from ignorance rather than hate? 100%.

Ignorance is never an excuse, but it is frequently an explanation.

It’s easy to slam her in this situation. Her post coincided with a Facebook avalanche of pithy photos and quotes taking up arms against Chik-fil-A. How could she not know what she was doing? But to assume she’s a bigot and that she’s schemingly used the gays for her own personal gain is too simple. The challenging option here is to ask her how she feels. Is Bailey informed on the issues facing gay citizens today? I don’t know, I never asked her. Perhaps some of you got in touch with Bailey before going live with your posts, but surely she had already received enough vitriol to properly push her into disappearance. Our path to equality is paved in education, not excoriation. Inviting our opponents into dialogue is essential to moving forward.

And yes, there are times to scream. When Rick Santorum likens my homosexuality to polygamy, incest and adultery? I will be loud. When Bailey Hanks posts a photo of her meal, a picture that unashamedly supports my foe? I will be kind.

Here’s where I stand: Bailey, I know you, I know you’re a good person. I’d like to hear how you feel about marriage equality and gay rights in America. If you agree with my stances, fantastic. I’ll kindly ask you to rethink your support of Chik-fil-A and know that we all have to pick our battles. If you disagree with my views (as is your prerogative), then I invite you talk. I’d like to understand where you’re coming from and hope to share my path with you as well.  Now, there is a third option. If you neither agree nor disagree with my opinions on gay rights, but rather, have little information on the current events, I’d like to help you understand what’s happening in this country right now. Deal?

I am a gay man and among my many parents are lesbian mothers. The legal challenges facing my family are absurd and unfair. I hope that my rights aren’t subject to money spent at a fast-food joint. I want to get married and I want to continue working with the same wonderful people I’ve had the honor of working with in NYC and abroad. Bailey, I count you among those people. I hope you think as highly of me, but more than that, I hope (and presume) you want to learn about the adversity your colleagues face every day. I don’t doubt that you are and will continue to be an advocate for equality. I know it’s in your heart.

Much love,


*Update: 8/11/12*
My reaction to a reader on Facebook who questioned why Bailey hasn’t responded more quickly with something other than her religion as defense:

I see your point, wanting Bailey to mount a stronger defense than “I’m a Christian.” But in all the time I worked with her I never experienced cleverly stated, scholarly-wrought arguments and discussion from Bailey. That’s not who she is. Why expect her to flourish with wit and intelligence now, under fire? In fact, she responded just as I thought she would. When we’re put in a corner most of us fall back on the things that are basic to us, and for Bailey that is her relationship with Christ. I don’t think she means to avoid defense by invoking religion, I actually think she has no other way to explain herself. She’s defended her actions in the most heartfelt and logical way she can think of. It may not be what you want to hear, but why expect a cat to bark?

We use the words we know in the ways we understand. I’m trying to hear Bailey in her language, not mine.







  1. Jamie McGonnigalAugust 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm Edit #

    Hey there Dan,

    I’m the guy who kinda started this whole thing. And I thank you for your thoughts. For the record, I don’t believe Bailey deserves quite the level of anger and vitriol that has been leveled at her. Unfortunately I have no control over how people respond. I do know however, that when people feel hurt and betrayed – especially after a lifetime of hearing “there’s something wrong with you,” it’s easy to lash out.

    I spent my whole life doing theatre, and feeling like there was something wrong with me. I made it to New York and I was where I belonged. I was in a place of support and love – a place that my hometown never provided. And I’m not alone in that part of my journey. So when someone in your community does something to tell you “there’s something wrong with you,” it rips the rug out from under you. And when you have that feeling, it’s frightening and frustrating.

    I tried to contact Bailey through Facebook messages and Twitter and all she wrote back was “I’m a Proud Christian.” That exacerbates the problem, it doesn’t solve it. I don’t agree for a second that she happened to stumble into a Chick-fil-A on Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day with no clue as to what it was all about. This was one of the most covered stories I have ever seen. Every major media outlet and everyone on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest and everywhere else was talking about it. It would literally be impossible to live in this country and NOT know what the situation was about.

    You choose to give her the benefit of a really enormous doubt here, and that’s your prerogative. She’s your friend, I get it. But you said it all here: “Is Bailey informed on the issues facing gay citizens today? I don’t know, I never asked her.” She can say she supports gay people all she wants, but not for a second do I believe she went to Chick-fil-A and tweeted her support without knowing the implications of that. I think it’s quite possible that like many anti-gay Christians, she saw what she was doing as “Pro-Christian” and not “Anti-Gay.” But upon being told quite plainly that Chick-fil-A has given millions to groups who want to see gay people put to death in some countries, her response was not “I was unaware of that, I’m sorry.” It was “I’m a Proud Christian.” And that’s a bigger mistake than her original visit to the fast food restaurant. That’s where she essentially said “I don’t care how it makes you feel, I will continue to support this incredibly anti-gay chicken chain.”


    • Dan KohlerAugust 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm Edit #

      Hi Jamie-

      Thanks for responding, it’s great to keep the dialogue open.

      I posted a response to your comment here, but realized it was too long and moved it over to its own post for easier reading. Check it out here:


  2. JayAugust 12, 2012 at 11:17 pm Edit #

    You seem to think that because she is a “nice” person and not very bright that she isn’t a bigot. That’s nonsense. I remember my Louisiana Grandmother, whom I loved, saying was outrageous that people in the North called her prejudiced because she was an ardent supporter of segregation. She did not hate colored people, she said, and even helped some. But her Southern Baptist pastor told her that God did not want the races mixing, so she donated to the White Citizens’ Council and voted for George Wallace and every other segregationist that she could. Was she a racist? She didn’t think so, but believe me she was. Likewise, this dimwit is a bigot.


    • Dan KohlerAugust 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm Edit #

      While I know she is a nice person, and not terribly educated, what I’m saying is this: If she’s bigoted, that’s her prerogative. She entered the work place with professionalism and treated me with respect. I can’t expect my colleagues to hold my opinions outside of the workplace. Though in this case, I know Bailey to be apologetic for her post. Don’t get me wrong, supporting Chik-fil-A is nowhere on my agenda, but I won’t condemn her for eating there. We all pick our battles. You don’t have to like her, you don’t have to eat at Chik-fil-A, but based on my relationship with her before this went down, I will still hold her as a friend. I will also try to engage her in dialogue to educate her on the issues that matter to me as a gay man.



Birmingham, you have my heart.

From here on out, let it be known that I travel mostly by taste. My experience of a city relies not on the sights and sounds, but the flavors and scents that waft from food trucks and restaurants. Before I came to Birmingham I fretted over the food. I assumed I’d have access to great BBQ (a myopic, though not unkind, judgement) and knew of a few top-notch restaurants (hello Bottega), but wondered how I would find the local dives, the outlying ethnic spots and seasonal produce.

As I approached my hotel for the first time I drove down a long lane of uninspired boxaurants. Landry’s, O’Charley’s, IHOP, Chili’s, it was an assault on my admittedly narrow-minded way of eating. Perhaps more frightening was the enthusiasm spouted by my car-mates as we passed each food cemetery. They simply shuddered with delight at the nearby variety. Sweat flushed my face, were these to be my eating companions for the next 7 weeks?

That first night I scoured the interweb for something owned by a family rather than a corporation. With a bit of luck I came across a Vietnamese restaurant not more than 5 miles from our hotel. I called a castmate and told him of my plans, inviting him on an adventure; he gladly jumped in the car.

Upon opening the menu I learned this would be David’s first foray into Vietnamese food, perhaps his first Southeast Asian meal altogether. I attempted a slight explanation of the entrees and he ordered intrepidly. Over dinner we discussed our personal eating habits. I told David I’d be looking for local grub, ethnic or otherwise, during my stay in Birmingham. Might he want to accompany me on my quest?

After nearly two months of eating through Birmingham, David and I have a few favorites. Should you find yourself here for a few days or a few weeks, let me be your escort for a couple of meals. I promise to be gentle.

Many thanks to Jane Lerner for pointing me in the direction of numbers 1 and 2 on this list, without her advance recon I’m not sure I would have ever found these gems. Additional thanks to Erin Street andStephanie Gibson. These two saints found my twitter handle in the program for Legally Blonde and invited David and me out for a drink that led to a most serendipitous friendship.

#1 Saw’s BBQ

Alabama is indeed, ripe with BBQ establishments. There are large chains (Dreamland, Jim ‘n Nick’s), and then there are the local joints (Saw’s and Miss Myra’s). Let me be clear on one thing: you can’t go wrong. All BBQ we ate was delicious. Do we have a preference? Yes. Saw’s is utterly local and uniquely spiced. Their eponymous sauce is bright and peppery, a perfect match to the smoke-charred ribs and the melting pulled pork. Best Q I’ve had? Yep. Get on it.

Ribs+slaw+turnip greens=HEAVEN.

#2 Korean Barbecue Restaurant

Opening the door, we are welcomed with a chime and the eerie theme music from The X-Files. The show continues on in a Korean translation as we wait at the front counter to be seated. No one is in the restaurant, not a diner, not a waiter, perhaps we should leave? No. Next door is the Asian market, owned by the same family, sharing a wall. We leave the restaurant and enter the market, hoping we might see someone there. Strike 2. No one in the market. We wander the aisles for a minute and then see an elderly woman poke her head out of the back kitchen. She darts inside again without a word. We stroll a few more aisles then go back into the restaurant side, assuming this time she’ll be there to greet us. Strike 3. Still no one at the counter. We open and close the door a few times to activate the digital chime in a machine-gun rhythm. Still no host. Should we leave?

No. More credit to David as an intrepid eater, we walk into the restaurant and all the way through the dining section to the back, where a window indicates a kitchen. The old woman pokes her head out again and then sends an even older man to help us. We ask if the place is open, could we eat?

He leads us to a table and gives us two menus. Again, I explain the food to David and we order.

I’ll keep this short: More hijinks ensue, the food arrives, AND I EAT THE BEST BI BIM BOP OF MY LIFE.

You must eat here. It will be the most awkwardly private dining experience of your life, and you will leave with a full belly and a giant smile.

Bangarang Bim Bop

#3 Gordo’s Taqueria

My castmates all proclaim their love of Mexican food, then they eat at Chuy’s and Chili’s and I realize they might not have ever had Mexican food. Proper Mexican food, not Mex-Am food, not watery salsa over grilled chicken breasts, but striking street food. Gordo’s is the real deal. The family owns a whole strip of stores, a panaderia, carniceria, and finally, the tremendous taqueria. The meats change on a daily basis, so ask for the list when you go to order. My suggestions? The chorizo, house made, spicy and deep red. The lamb, pungently gamey, tender and outstanding. The al-pastor, roasted on a spit and sliced to order.

Perfect flavors, tons of salsas to pour on (at your own discretion), and best of all? Tacos are $1.90 each. This is fast food I can get behind.


ABC, I’m coming for you.

I began writing this post a week before Anderson Cooper came out publicly. I’d be remiss to neglect the importance of his declaration, and I’m not being glib. Our greatest strength on the path to equality is visibility. I applaud and encourage everyone who comes out, celebrity or neighbor. My thoughts on gender identity in media below…


The short story:
I made this audition video three weeks ago, just before I jaunted off to Alabama for the summer. The last one (for Food Network Star) was a hoot to shoot so I figured it was only logical to try my hand again. This time I’m auditioning for ABC’s latest cooking show. I don’t know whether they’re looking for personalities, chefs or some hedonistic combination of the two, but I wanted to throw my hat in with this snappy video recipe for Berry Clafoutis.

The long story:
As I am wont to do with most things I produce, I showed it to my mother. When it was finished playing she let out a withering, “Do you want me to tell you what I think?”

I boned up and told her, yes, I’d like to hear her opinion, though in truth, by the time anyone finishes asking that question you already have a good idea of what might come next. She told me she didn’t recognize the man on screen. She thought I came off affected, and, meaning no offense, quite gay. She expressed her confusion, was this how I wanted to portray myself? Something I was trying? An on-camera experiment? It was so very different from what she was used to, from the on-camera son she knew.

In the moment, I told her it was something I had wanted to try for a while. Yes, an experiment, but also something I dashed to get recorded before I had to board a plane to Birmingham. We sloughed it off and got back to the business of packing (I was helping my moms move out of their apartment). I had a feeling this was meant to be a larger conversation, but at the time didn’t want to initiate a capital Family Discussion.

I knew it would surprise my mom to find me acting stereotypically flamboyant on camera in great part because I had always played it rather straight at home. But my “straight-acting” self wasn’t a conscious decision, it wasn’t born out of self-hatred; I wasn’t trying to sublimate my sequined heart. My parents are the epitome of support and neither my gender and sexual identities nor my choice of a career in the arts have ever been contentious. My personality at home is a fairly neutral, relaxed version of myself; an outcome of having such a loving and uplifting family.

And part of having such a strong support system is the responsibility to see things from my parents’ perspective. As a parent, I imagine one believes she knows the very core of her child, and that of all the endless possibilities, the version she knows is the most true, the most authentic, the most real. But, in reality, the “me” my mother knows is, indeed, just one variation, one point on spectrums of both character and gender.

It must be startling then, to look at a perfect representation of your child and see him performing and entirely different role, a variation on gender which, up until now, you had known only in the abstract. Is it a character? Is he pretending to be this way?

You see, my mother knows I’m gay. We talk about dates with men, she has seen photos of my glittery nights and she knows I identify with the queer community. But at the same time, she has never actually met anyone I’ve dated (having never had a boyfriend), she’s never been out dancing with me (bringing her to CHERYL is questionable at best), and she has never seen me in the company of my chosen community. As such, my gay life is almost entirely theoretical to my family, while to my friends, the makeup-wearing, lovingly affected dandy I portray is part and parcel of who I am.

How difficult it must be to see someone you know so well acting in a way that stands in such stark contrast to your understanding of their spirit. Knowing that my mom was seeing a side of me she had never witnessed made me wonder what parts of her I haven’t yet met. How does my grandfather see her? What version of my mom does my sister know? Will I ever know those variations on mom? Can I know them? Should I know them?

Watching the video through mom’s eyes I also see the fear that might creep into her heart upon seeing her son act in a manner that might pigeon-hole him in his chosen career. Let’s be honest, I am better served to let a casting office believe I am straight (without lying) than I am to walk into an audition with an outsized personality that distracts them from my work. Much like Anderson Cooper says in his letter, I am a storyteller and blending in can be as important as standing out.

Having had these conversations with my mom, I’m fairly positive she watched the video and thought, “Is this castable? Does he want the networks to see him in this way?” And she’d be right to ask those questions. Despite the growing acceptance of the LGBTQ community, it’s still risky to be an out-and-loud personality in mainstream media. Ideally we’d live in a world that could judge talent and ability equally with or without foreknowledge of sexual orientation. But we don’t live in that society, and consequently, I’d be foolish to pretend we do.

Gender is performative and I am an actor; I was, quite literally, born to play this role. Knowing when and where to employ my various social costumes is essential to pushing boundaries, both my own and the lines drawn in our grand cultural sandbox. I’ve got a gaggle of personae in the clown-car of my body and each of them deserves a turn at the wheel.

This video, something that was hastily shot and edited, launched me into a 7-car pileup of gender and identity questions. Many thanks to those of you who made it through this post. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Isn’t it electrifying to imagine just how little we know of each other?

Maybe my mom will introduce me to another side of her. (Love you Mom!)






24 Responses to “ABC, I’m coming for you.”

  1. emily | nomnivorousJuly 3, 2012 at 2:06 pm Edit #

    Dan, I have to tell you that I laughed heartily at the video and think you’d be a great on-camera food person. The last lines “All I want to do is talk about food. Feed you. Feed the people you love.” All that? I love it. It’s what I want to do with my life too.

    The post also got my brain spinning. You’ve been able to articulate the thing I couldn’t. I always felt like there were Emilys that my family never knew, and would have never been able to really “get”. And as soon as I moved to NY, it got worse. There’s so much of me that my family doesn’t see, so they completely don’t get. And it’s made me distance myself from them. I feel bad doing it, but you’ve spelled it out in a way that I “get” better.

    Also, a friend is telling me I should try out for this thing. Yep, my brain is a swimmin’ with a million thoughts. And I have quite the essay going!


    • Dan KohlerJuly 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm Edit #

      Emily! Thanks for the kind words. I sent this to my mom before posting and it sparked an interesting dialogue. She said she didn’t think that she had other versions of herself, that while she may present herself differently in a business situation than a familial one, that those were both basically the same mom I already know.

      It made me wonder, is the feeling of having so many faces an experience that one passes through in one’s twenties? Will I reach my mom’s age and find I’m presenting one version of “me” to the world? Or is this something that is new with our generation? Is this an experience brought on by the sharp uptick in technology in our lives? Do I have “multiple personalities” because I’m a member of so many divergent communities, some that are entirely digital?

      Clearly my mind is still jumbly on this.

      And yes, you MUST audition for the show! If not now, when?


  2. TonopahJuly 3, 2012 at 4:45 pm Edit #

    There is only one you. It would be logically inconsistent to say there are lots of you. Perhaps you emphasize different parts of yourself at different times. But those are the faces you always make, the way you have always had of making someone laugh, of inviting them into your kitchen, of making the craft of cooking seem simultaneously simple and elegant, of being genuine, of being interesting to watch, of telling stories, of being Dan. There is only one Dan, and he is effing awesome in all his presentations.

    Gender and sexuality get a lot trickier. They seems to deserve a constant and vigilant conversation. Perhaps not about what they are, but what they are not. Gender nor sexuality shouldn’t define a person; I’m not a girl, I’m a person passionate about helping people. I don’t wear dresses because I am “supposed” to but because they are comfortable. I’m not interested in men because I chose to be, but thats not to say I have never had sexual thoughts about women. Words, cadence, “affectations” don’t define gender or sexuality, they are only a part of the person exhibiting them. However it would be simplistic not to believe that gender, sexuality, and the self have an intimate relation to one another. They are part of how we are seen, and part of how we see ourselves, but all of that is fluid. Some days I like to wear lacy underwear and high heel shoes, other days I prefer jeans and no make up; neither one is somehow more inherently true to myself or my gender. Gender and sexuality aren’t static states of being, but the space to start to get to know oneself.


  3. JosieJuly 3, 2012 at 6:52 pm Edit #

    I love love LOVE the sentence:
    I’ve got a gaggle of personae in the clown car of my body, and each of them deserves a turn at the wheel

    I definitely believe that we are different people at different times and to different people. At work, I was known as the Type-A ass-kicker who had her shit on lock and never backed down.
    My friends definitely would describe me differently. My parents would describe me still differently. I think there’s a lot to be said here, and I also think that bringing gender and sexuality into the mix bring forth even more questions and sides to the story. There are so many expectations and views, from both inside and outside the LGBTQ community, of how one “should” act once the mantle of “gay” has been put on.

    So in the end, all I guess I can say is… great post. 


    • Dan KohlerJuly 4, 2012 at 5:49 pm Edit #

      You make a great point Josie. The weight that “should” carries when applied to how we act and how we identify is extreme. I guess we all have a choice to play into or against expectations. Being aware of the game takes away some of the power, yes?


  4. Jenny McNeiceJuly 3, 2012 at 8:42 pm Edit #

    “I wasn’t trying to sublimate my sequined heart.” Your writing is a performance of wit and I love when you dive a little deeper in these posts sometimes.


    • Danielle MayockJuly 3, 2012 at 9:24 pm Edit #

      Dan, I’m glad to know you and agree with my sister entirely. The article made me tear up and the video made me spit up my tea with a snort, I hope ABC sees what I do, and if they dont, then its their loss


      • Dan KohlerJuly 4, 2012 at 5:50 pm Edit #

        Darlings, make no mistake-I carry you in that sequined heart everywhere I go.


  5. Danielle MayockJuly 3, 2012 at 9:28 pm Edit #

    Dan- I’m so glad you put this up. I heartily agree with Jenny, the post made me choke up and the video made me spit up my tea with a snort. If ABC doesn’t see this video like I do, then they are ridiculous, and are completely missing out on you.


  6. Sarah E. WelchJuly 4, 2012 at 6:10 am Edit #

    I saw drama & life here, not sexuality or gender issues.

    I think the ‘different faces’ thing depends on the person. Some people are truly, authentically one personality no matter what. Others are someone different for each person they met. Once we had caller id at home so that my Dad would know who was calling before picking up, I had my own version of caller id from across the room. I could tell who was on the other end of the line simply by his greeting.

    I still surprise my husband every now and again–after 16 years together. We’ve known each other as friends, classmates, co-workers, spouses, lovers, and more. He’s seen me in so many different settings with so many different people over teens, twenties, and now as DINKs, but he still feels like he’s getting to know me. While I think there’s something to the twenty-something thing (I’m barely into my 30s), I’m not sure that it ever goes away for most of us–maybe settles down a bit. I think that’s lovely.


    • Dan KohlerJuly 4, 2012 at 5:53 pm Edit #

      That’s what I thought I might hear from my mom (and was consequently surprised to hear that she feels somewhat opposite). I hope I keep changing, I hope that the things in my life continue to affect me in deep ways and that I respond with new flair each time. I love to hear that even after being together for 16 years you and your husband are still learning more about each other. Cheers!


  7. Annie vanDykeJuly 4, 2012 at 4:48 pm Edit #

    You are amazing, funny, fabulous, deep, entertaining, instructive and a buncha other identifiers for all those peeps in the clown car! And, can you believe? he can cook…a total package,a dream! You are, without a doubt, much more interesting and real than Mr. Cooper. LOVE YOU! And that crazy clafoutis!


    • Dan KohlerJuly 4, 2012 at 5:54 pm Edit #

      Annie! Honey, go make that crazy clafoutis, you won’t regret it! Thanks for your words, Happy Fourth!


  8. Andrew HydeJuly 4, 2012 at 5:57 pm Edit #

    Fantastic as always Dan.


  9. Sarah Colley JonesJuly 6, 2012 at 4:07 pm Edit #


    It was entertaining, educational, inspiring, and — of supreme importance – fun!!

    I loved it, and look forward to watching your new show, wherever it lands (Food Network? Cooking Channel? Style???)

    Thanks also, for making the clafouti Gluten-Free! I shall replicate tonight, with local blackberries, and a white peach, or two! {to be washed down with chilled Bailey’s — happy Friday to me!}


    • Dan KohlerJuly 11, 2012 at 8:43 pm Edit #

      Happy Friday indeed! How did the clafoutis come out? Local black berries and white peaches sound perfect, I’ll have to try your combo. Cheers!


  10. GailJuly 11, 2012 at 11:24 pm Edit #

    I think this is terrific! You’re so animated, so entertaining and obviously, so knowledgable about food! Much more so than so many other so-called foodie celebrities.

    Clafoutis for all, and all for clafoutis!


    • Dan KohlerJuly 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm Edit #

      I think that may be my epitaph. Clafoutis for all indeed! Thanks Gail!


  11. Kristen TaylorJuly 24, 2012 at 10:04 am Edit #

    I’m late to this, but in time to say – I hope the whole world gets to know this part of Dan Kohler too. As Wilde points out, there are two kinds of people: charming and tedious. You are always charming.


  12. Sarah E. WelchAugust 5, 2012 at 7:06 pm Edit #

    So, I thought I’d also comment on the actual recipe  I made this last night! I used local plums, coconut flour, and almond milk. It was *fantastic*! This is going to be a go-to desert for me. I’m going to pick up some coconut milk ice cream to keep in the freezer. I think it would be a delicious accompaniment!


    • Dan KohlerAugust 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm Edit #

      Oh Sarah! You’ve just made my morning! I really do love this recipe for the summer, glad to know it kicks ass with coconut flour and almond milk (a luscious combination if I do say so myself). I’m off to the market now, if I find some plums I might just make your permutation tonight!


  13. JayAugust 12, 2012 at 11:24 pm Edit #

    I just want to say that I find your two paragraphs below wonderfully insightful. They made me wonder how much I have repressed parts of myself. I do remember going through a flamboyant stage around 5 or 6 and then policing myself to uber butch straightness. Wonder if the real me is different?

    “I knew it would surprise my mom to find me acting stereotypically flamboyant on camera in great part because I had always played it rather straight at home. But my “straight-acting” self wasn’t a conscious decision, it wasn’t born out of self-hatred; I wasn’t trying to sublimate my sequined heart. My parents are the epitome of support and neither my gender and sexual identities nor my choice of a career in the arts have ever been contentious. My personality at home is a fairly neutral, relaxed version of myself; an outcome of having such a loving and uplifting family.”

    “And part of having such a strong support system is the responsibility to see things from my parents’ perspective. As a parent, I imagine one believes she knows the very core of her child, and that of all the endless possibilities, the version she knows is the most true, the most authentic, the most real. But, in reality, the “me” my mother knows is, indeed, just one variation, one point on spectrums of both character and gender.”


    • Dan KohlerAugust 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm Edit #

      Thanks Jay, writing this post really made me reflect on my behavior inside and outside the house. I think we all police ourselves for different character traits, it’s a biological and social need to fit in, right? I’m trying to be more aware of my many different personalities and not be so hard on myself for performing gender roles (be they stereotypical or antithetical). I love the conversation happening around these thoughts here, I really appreciate your contribution.



Kids in the Kitchen 2012

My third year attending the annual International Association of Culinary Professionals (IACP) conference has confirmed what the first two years had me suspecting. While the panels are informative and the socializing is good for business, it’s the active, hands-on activities that really charge me as an attendee. With IACP that means the annual event sponsored by The Culinary Trust (their philanthropic wing) and the Kids in the Kitchen committee.

Every year an event is planned in the conference’s home city to teach kids some valuable and basic cooking skills. For the last two years we’ve had the opportunity to work with the kids only once, during the conference. This year was different. The Culinary Trust planned the event to run for three weeks. We worked with the Bed-Stuy Campaign Against Hunger teaching weekly cooking classes to a fantastic group of kids, ages 8-18.


I know everyone who works with kids says this, but I have to write it anyway: The kids are fucking fantastic. They showed up week after week, ready to cook, ready to eat, and ready to play. We all had a great time. Who knew making smoothies could be so exciting? Seriously. Kids love a Vitamix.

The Bed-Stuy Campaign Against Hunger is an organization that feeds 11,000 hungry people in Brooklyn every month.
Now read this:
You’re only allowed to shop at the pantry once a month.

So, where are families in need getting food the rest of the month? The neighborhood needs more support.

The Bed-Stuy Campaign Against Hunger has been farming backyard plots for three years to supplement the food in their pantry. They teach cooking classes, pair kids with elderly community members to learn gardening and farming techniques, and provide clothes to those in need. This organization fights hard for their community.

And now it’s my turn to help out. There is a giant empty plot of land next to their headquarters. It’s been empty for 9 years. Dr. Samuels (the executive director of the Bed-Stuy Campaign Against Hunger) has tried everything she can think of to get that land for more urban farming. I called the city council member representing that district to inquire about the land. Will you join me in putting some pressure on the local government to help out? The community needs food. Farming engages everyone, from elementary school students to retirees. This is a win-win situation for the whole neighborhood.

Please call Darlene Mealy at 718-953-3097 or email her at Ask her what the plan is for that land. It’s been sitting unused for 9 years. Let’s change that, let’s help the Bed-Stuy Campaign Against Hunger feed more people. Leave a comment and let me know when you call!


Keep kicking ass,


IACP 2012 Launch Party

Last week the International Association of Culinary Professionals (IACP) put on a mini-skirt and some glitter and hit the streets. Yes, the venerable organization is shaking things up on the road to their next national conference and I’m all for it. The first conference I attended was in Portland two years ago. It had a spectacular taste, deeply woven into the city and amped with great chefs and funky events. And still, in between the parties and panels, I yearned for the board to adopt more technology into their planning. I was among the youngest attendees, a glaring hole in their facade.  Plancast, Twitter, Foursquare- if IACP wanted to attract more people my age, I suggested they jump into the deep end.So my hopes were high for the next conference in Austin.

And I was let down. The week felt sleepy, it lacked the urgency and spunk of Portland. Sure, I made some great contacts in the food world (that is, after all, the main focus of attending these things), but I didn’t leave feeling terribly energized. Knowing the next conference would be in NYC I decided that would be the make or break conference for me.

If NYC improves upon the Portland formula, then I’ll continue my IACP membership. If, on the other hand, it follows in the footsteps of Austin, then this will be my last year in the organization.

Bringing the event to NYC is important for so many obvious reasons. And for the less obvious? NYC is the place to weave IACP into a younger food culture. Time to pick up more digital entrepreneurs, time to change the game.

For too long IACP has been focused on presenting “the book deal” as the pinnacle of our work as food professionals. Yes, I love cookbooks. They are beautiful transcriptions of life lived around the world. And I almost never use them. I’d rather have my iPad in the kitchen with me, looking through my collection of recipes or searching for things online.

It seems to me that most attendees have websites and twitter handles at the urging of publishers and agents. IACP members are told, repeatedly, that having an online presence is key to building the audience necessary for that elusive book deal. But what about looking at digital projects as more than means to various ends?

Why don’t we examine the value of digital food interaction as an end in and of itself?

Now back to the glitter and heels:
IACP launched with a party at Santos Party House last week. I didn’t know what to expect, would it be Austin all over again or Portland-inflected?

I was not let down. It seems everyone is rallying around this conference, within and without. The planning committee has lined up some big-ticket speakers and peeled back the curtain around some of NYC’s most coveted food businesses. And to top it off, this year our awards show (usually a despairing evening) will be hosted by Mo Rocca. Watch the video above to hear more from the team in charge. I’m excited.

Will you be there?


Get Out for Immigration

Hey Friends-

I’ve been doing some video work for a wonderful organization called Get Equal. They’re fighting for equality for LGBT citizens and doing a damn good job of it. Last week Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gave a speech to the U.N. on LGBT rights across the world. It was a magnificent speech calling all nations to step up and recognize their people as full citizens. I’d love to say that our country is leading the way in LGBT civil rights, but we aren’t. Check out the video above to hear the story of one couple struggling to find a way to live in the states.


Rock on,



I am an Infomercial!

Here’s the best part about filming a cheese-ball infomercial: the woman who runs my laundromat recognized me! I walked in the other day and she said, “Dan, are you a chef?” Confused, I answered hesitantly, “Yes.” “I knew it! I saw you on TV and I screamed and my son came running and he said ‘Mommy are you OK?,’ and I said ‘I’m fine. I know him.’”

Over the summer I shot an informercial for something called the Chef Basket. Maybe you’ve seen it? It’s a wire mesh basket. It’s ridiculous. And they didn’t even give me one when I left! Clearly I am outraged. Bonus side to this? More people have called me to tell me they saw this infomercial than have seen my Law and Order episode. So I guess that teaches us something about the reach of absurd kitchen gadgets. Also apparently my friends watch a ton of daytime crap TV. Not judging. (Maybe a little).

Watch it!


Food Network Star Audition

Well, after much debating I submitted an audition tape for Food Network Star. As for the debate, here’s the redux:

Me: I’m scared to click this “agree to our terms” box.
D (also me): G’scuse me, do you want a shot at this opportunity or not?
Me: It basically requires me to sign away my URL, trademark and ideas for ever and ever amen.
D: Oh really?
Me: Yes. Really.
D: You’re being defensive.
Me: I’m being protective.
D: Of what?
Me: My ideas.
D: They’re that good?
Me: You’re being rude.
D: You’re being impractical. You just want to keep all your ideas locked away in your brain?
Me: Well, what if I have a great one and Food Network takes it but not me along with the idea?
D: Then you’ll have another idea.
Me: I’ll just have another one?
D: Duh, that’s how it works. Pay out one, get back two.
Me: But how do I know I’ll get two good ones in return for a great idea I give out?
D: Ideas are ideas! They’re all good until they’re bad and they only turn bad if you let them sit in your head and rot. You can’t do everything on your own.
Me: …
D: You know I’m right.
Me: But it’s so risky.
D: Riddle me this…Bigger risk-sharing and losing or never having shared at all?
Me: You stole that.
D: It’s time to jump.

Me: …Game on.

And with that I filled out the 11 page application (ummm, note to Food Network, I already applied to college, thanks). I edited a video out of material from stuff I’ve aired on this site, but, after conferring with a friend and taking a view at some of the past contestants’ audition videos, decided to record something new just for this submission. Dr. Brenda held the camera and captured my inane commentary on babaganoush and I crunched the piece into the three minute time allotment.

And then?
They called me. Yes darlings, the casting office called and asked me a few more questions (I do love a good chat on the phone).

And then?
They called me again. Oooh, a second phone call. Only this one was better. They asked me to come in for an on camera interview and cooking demo. They wanted me to show a quick (3-minutes or less) technique and bring in my signature dish.

For my demo I whipped up my favorite vinaigrette with shallots and whole grain mustard. Show off some knife skills and talk talk talk while I’m cooking. Duh, I have stories about everything I eat. Signature dish? Afternoon cake. When I told Brenda about this he looked at me and said, “Excuse me? You say that like it’s something I’m supposed to know.”

Well it is dammit. Afternoon cake is just what it sounds like, cake you eat between 3pm and 4pm, when you need a little break and a snack (snack time isn’t only for those in school). You have a piece of cake, a cup of coffee/tea, say hello to a neighbor or coworker and then get back to work. Afternoon cake.
*It should be noted that afternoon cake is never frosted. Once a cake is frosted it’s ready for a night out on the town. That’s Evening Cake.

The casting agents suggested I perform a signature dance move to start things off and loosen up (they had no idea what kind of trouble they were asking for), then asked me questions both silly and serious. And then I had a 25-minute written test. I didn’t even have a number-2 with me, so I filled it out with one of my drawing pens.

And now I wait. Food Network Humor, you’ve been alerted. Know that I follow your Food Network Star barbs closer than I follow RuPaul’s Drag Race.

My head is ready to explode with ideas.